Don't Think I Don't Think About It
by sweetheart35
Summary: Nancy confronts Pennywise and sees Barb. Cross-posted to ao3.


They were supposed to be done. Done with otherworldly creatures who wanted to kill them. Done with looking over their shoulders and peering around the corner for the next threat. Done with moving in groups because it wasn't safe to move alone. The whole point of moving to Maine was so they could recover and move on and just _be_.

But Derry was apparently not the place to do it.

Joyce had bought a house from Bob Newby's parents. They had apparently heard good things about Joyce and were more than happy to let it go at a lower price than what they had originally been asking. They had loved their son and their son had loved Joyce and that was enough for them.

Jonathan had quietly told Nancy that Will sometimes had nightmares, dreaming Bob was in the house with them, blaming Will for his death. Will didn't want to tell Joyce, didn't want her to worry so he told Jonathan, who told Nancy, who made sure to give Will an extra big hug whenever she saw him.

Lucas's father received a job offer in Derry and he accepted. Dustin's mom had a sister who was ailing and needed help, so off they went. Max's mom left Neil and since three of Max's friends were moving to Derry and since she didn't want to completely uproot Max again, she followed them.

El might have been fine with most of her friends leaving but then Karen Wheeler decided a change of scenery sounded fine and dandy and so the Wheelers went too. Which meant Hopper and El came with them. Even Steve, attending college in Maine, was there. He simply opted to stay with the Hendersons during the summer instead of returning to Hawkins. Nancy understood. His parents didn't notice much of Steve and at the Hendersons, Dustin was always happy to hang out with him and Mrs. Henderson fussed over him like her own son.

None of which explained why Nancy found herself in the high school gym after hours and had her feet planted firmly between her brother and one of Richie's friends ( _Stan_ , she thought dimly, _his name is Stan and he likes birds_ ) and a giant clown who could apparently _shapeshift,_ one of the school's hockey sticks hoisted high and ready to swing.

"Mike," she said calmly. Her voice had an almost dreamlike quality to it. "Stan. Get ready to run." The clown cackled. The sound of it rose goosebumps on Nancy's arms. She could hear gasping sobs coming from Stan.

" _Run! Run!_ " It screeched. "Nancy, you can't run from me!"

"Nancy," Mike croaked. He sounded like he was about to start crying too. Nancy didn't look behind her to see. She stared into the clown's yellow eyes, gripped the hockey stick tighter and _lunged._

She managed to get a good smack on the clown's head before dancing backwards out of reach. It growled and if Nancy hadn't already been well acquainted with a demogorgon's growl she may have lost her nerve. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Mike and Stan burst through the gym doors and chanced a quick look to make sure they were really gone.

"All right," she said. "Now let's talk about why you don't mess with my -" She turned back to face the clown and froze. The hockey stick drooped in her hands.

"Nance."

"Barb?"

It couldn't be. Barb was dead. El had told them. Nancy, against her better judgement, had gone into the Upside Down to look for her several times in the year between Will being found and the Gate being closed. Nancy didn't think she'd find Barb alive but if she could bring back even a scrap of her jacket or her glasses, maybe she could find closure.

"This isn't you," Barb said, wearing that exact same expression she'd worn when she thought Nancy was going to do something she'd regret and wearing the exact same clothes she'd worn the night she disappeared and Nancy felt like she'd been punched in the stomach.

" _This isn't you."_

" _I'm fine. Just...go ahead and go home, okay?"_

"Barb," she gasped. Tears were welling in her eyes. "Barb." The hockey stick clattered to the floor. Her fingers felt numb.

"Why couldn't you have just left with me, Nancy?" Barb asked, taking a step towards Nancy. "I'd still be alive if you'd have left." She was right. Barb would be alive if Nancy hadn't been so _stupid_ and so infatuated and so _selfish_.

" _Just...go ahead and go home, okay?"_

"But I never made it home." Barb's voice was hard and unforgiving, her words seemingly in direct response to Nancy's thoughts. Nancy clamped a hand over her mouth, the tears spilling over. "Because that monster got me."

"Barb, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Nancy sobbed. "I didn't know, Barb, I'm so sorry." Barb walked towards Nancy. Nancy staggered back.

"Did you know I was screaming for you, Nancy?" Barb asked, almost conversationally. "While you were getting your rocks off with King Steve, I was getting eaten alive, screaming for you to help me." Nancy shook her head, unable to say anything, her throat closed up, trying to deny it. But it wasn't true. Hadn't Nancy had the nagging feeling she'd heard something while she was with Steve? Hadn't she been certain she'd heard Barb's voice, if faintly? Hadn't she had the chance to stop things, to go look, and didn't?

 _I'm sorry._

 _I didn't mean to._

 _It's all my fault._

"Yes, it is," Barb whispered. She was close. So close now to Nancy, who was gasping and sobbing and who couldn't look away from her yellow eyes. "All your fault. And now -"

"Hey!" Nancy and Barb ( _notbarbthatthingdoesn'tlookanythinglikeherhowdidithinkthatwasbarb)_ jerked away from each other just as Steve charged forward with that bat and another hand (Jonathan's, she thought) pulled her away. Nancy stumbled, her knees slamming painfully into the floor. She was dimly aware of Steve yelling and the brief sounds of a scuffle and then he was on her other side, touching her shoulder, and Nancy didn't want either of these boys. She loved them both so much and she had hurt Steve already and she knew no matter which way she leaned for comfort, she was going to hurt them again.

"Move, move, guys, she's my sister." Arms, too skinny to be Steve's or Jonathan's wrapped around her neck and pulled her forward.

"What about Stan?" Jonathan asked.

"He's outside with Richie and Bill," Mike murmured. "You should go wait with them." It wasn't a suggestion and Nancy thought for a minute that Steve and Jonathan were going to argue. But a second later, they were both walking around and Nancy wrapped her arms around Mike tightly. He awkwardly shifted her so she was curled against him and Nancy had a moment to think he was starting to get to tall before bursting into fresh tears. Mike held her tighter and didn't say anything.

 _I'm so sorry._


End file.
